So why am I anxious? While everyone else seems to have the “it could never happen to me” attitude, I seem to have “it’s definitely going to happen to me”. This coupled with the normality of life’s frustration, slow weight gain and sports injuries, I’m just nervous.

I’m also thinking about work and how bad I want to do well. I want to paint my nails before going back into the office tuesday, I need to get new work clothes and I just want to do my job well. It’s funny because a few posts ago I’m talking about how badly I want to have a boyfriend or whatever, and at this point, I just want to do things for myself. I just want to build my life into what I want it to look like. I need to be more selfish, more daring.

It is fitting though, that tomorrow my donation day. A lot of recipients call their transplant day their second birthday. I kind of feel like my donation day is my second birthday. The day I get to give my life up, in a matter of cells and words. Tomorrow is also Lunar New Year, the year of the dragon, which is me! I have a feeling this is all going to work out. and if not, at least i’ll go out with a bang.

made from the cradle

of your mother’s hands

i wonder if your wife will be

as strong as her

form her own grooves

in you.

she’ll speak like an excel sheet

able to throw formulas in the air

catching them like flies

in sticky paper

she’ll juggle the Dow and be thrilled

when NASDAQ plummets and rises

like her chest

on your honeymoon

but i would never count the fights

or run a differential analysis

on the blame

i would lose track of the number

of freckles on your shoulders

only measure love in your sighs

and the shivers of my skin’s tiny hairs

the only counts i would repeat

are your fingertips’ waltz steps

across my shoulder blades

So, you want to kiss this face? Maybe take me out on a date. I don’t need an expensive dinner; hell, I don’t even need a movie. How about you just pick me up and do something interesting with me. Let’s go to a museum. Go look at Christmas lights or holiday decorations. You want to kiss this face on the regular? How about reassuring me that you’re not macking on anyone else. Is monogomy honestly that hard? Is it that difficult to just manage your time with one person? I don’t understand what is so enticing about bringing a variety of people home. I can understand that to an extent, to find what you want, but after a while, shit. How about some consistency?

Dear men – you want a respectable young lady in your life? Maybe don’t try to whip it out on day one of meeting a girl. There might be some girls that sleep with you on the first date, but chances are they aren’t going to want to stay around you very long if you give it up that easily, either. They’ll be questioning your intentions, how many other girls you tried this with and trust? Well, it probably won’t exist unless you stay around for a long while.

So, 2012, bring it on. I mean it. Put me through the single ladies ringer. I’m down. I’m tired of wasting my time on 22-25 year-olds that thing that getting drunk on a Friday night is the way to start the weekend or that having a “flavor of the week’ (sorry for the very 90′s reference) is very lame and immature. Honestly, I’m just going to wait until someone comes along that wants to make me a priority. And by priority, I mean pedastal. I mean learn my favorite ice cream flavor and come by for a glass of wine and cheesy movie that we won’t watch all of.  Let me fall asleep with my head on your chest. Keep a blanket out because you know how easily I get cold. Blue Moon > Dos Equis. Surprise me. Say ”I Love You” first. Wait until I’m the right one before you bring me home to my parents. Respect me. Don’t talk about my boobs until we’ve reached that level of comfortability. Let me tease you, but don’t let me get away with everything. And don’t use me as a way to add another notch to your belt. It doesn’t make you a stud, it makes you a whore.

Just sayin’.

okay, you can’t see his face. How’s this?

And I’ve never been into Nascar Racing, but maybe it’s that All-American-Boy-that-can-definitely-grow-a-beard-but-chooses-not-to-because-he-wants-to-look-clean-cut-because-your-mother-would-approve-but-I’ll-still-get-you-in-my-truck-and-get-some-mud-on-the-tires kind of way.

Strangely, this will be the first time for five years that I start New Years by myself. I dont’ even want anyone at midnight. I want to be kissed because I’m awesome, not because I’m conveniently around when the clock decides to point both hands at 12.

I am so happy to start a new job, a new year and with new decisions. I am the captain of my fate, I am the master of my soul. These words are all starting to make sense. I wish I could re-read all of my favorite plays and books and really see them for what they are to me now.

This has also been the strangest year. I am so excited and ready to embrace 2012. I feel like I’ve been reborn. From the views I have on politics and religion, to what I find attractive in the opposite sex and what I look for with my friends.

Speaking of friends, I went to Taco Tuesday with a few of my closest ones to exchange some presents. A few of us run races together so I scored a sweeeeeeeet new gym bag and a pedicure. My feet and the rest of my body are very, very grateful. But, honestly, I was even more entertained by something else I got.

There’s a little bit of an inside joke about this, but probably not worth trying to explain. Either way, let’s just say that this was a fantastic way to start the closeout of an interesting year.

And because I chose seeing Sherlock Holmes 2 with one of my sisters, I get to wake up bright and early to go on a nine mile run before going to a doctor appointment with my other sister. It’s crazy (and very satisfying) to see changes in my body too. Can’t wait until May. I also bought some new furniture for the patio and plan on cleaning that up on Tuesday. Whew.

My sister Megan has been sick and went to the hospital today because she couldn’t feel any movement from one of the babies. Turns out everything’s okay, one of the babies turned so they are moving in a different position than she’s used to. Ollie cuddled up to me today and it was nice. Comforting in a way. Megan joked around that she was going to try to get me fired so that I could keep spending time with her and Ol.

In other news, I’ve been working on something that I just can’t quite nail. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s the fact that this whole love business is just a crock of nothing. Either way, I started this a while ago and even though it’s getting better, I just don’t know what else to do with it.

you said it would have to be like dust

there from the start

growing thicker

until one day you just notice it

and it could no longer be ignored

I told you it was like a stab wound

it could come out of no where

from anything

and would scar

and ache

My goal is to lose some weight in the meantime too, because it will be a lot easier for my body to run if I weigh less. so that’s going to be a fun adventure. It was sucky with that, though, because I wanted to go to the gym today but I know that I need to wait until I get better. So tomorrow, I’ll be going in for a weightlifting class, run and I think at night, I nice relaxing swim.

Oh, and more good news. I got a job offer today! I go in tomorrow to talk about the formalities, so tomorrow, I may be in an even chipper mood.

Also, you should check this out. It’s a pretty funny podcast: www.swaveanddeboner.com

Here’s a close up of our super awesome shoes:

Awesome. They stayed on the whole time and so many people liked our costumes, that we were getting asked to have our pictures taken.

Afterward, I went to my sister’s house. Her neighbor, an elderly guy that her and her husband have done a lot for, fell and Chad, my brother-in-law, had to help him out before he went into work. We took his dog, a really fat strange looking chewbacca like dog, to the vet for boarding. Even though there was a lot of running around done, I felt so great being with her.

This was her on Halloween. It’s funny how much you can learn about someone and become even closer to them. Oliver, who by the way is the cutest, best nephew in the whole world, went to bed, we sat up and talked like we were in high school again.  Megan always has my best interest in mind and even though it can be hard to hear, she’s honest about it. From the way people treat me to different things I do in my life, she is supportive and genuine and truly loves me. We had all of these plans to make decorations and bake and instead, we just watched cartoons, reality TV, ordered pizza and ate cookies together. Doing nothing was so great and it honestly was more than just nothing. It’s just crazy that we can be the best of friends and still become even better friends.

Today was also her baby shower; and if you can’t tell by the above photo, she’s having twin girlies. It was so much fun but so much work, and it was so crazy to think that I might have kids one day. So many cute onesies, and tiny hangers, butterflies and pom-poms. Yes, overly girly, tons of pink and a bunch of women from the ages of 75-23, but it was really fun. It also made me see how grown up Megan has become and how much we’ve changed since we were just goofy teenagers that pulled each others’ hair.

It was superrrrrr annoying though, because at one point, one of my contacts fell out and it wouldn’t go back in so now my eyes are all red and I just feel like napping, which is fine because I also think I’m getting sick, so I might as well take advantage of the relaxing. I do want to take a second to talk a little bit more about Oliver though.

I used to not want kids. Or at least, I didn’t give them any thought. I care a whole heck of a lot more about having a loving marriage first and foremost, and I’m also more than willing to admit that I’m pretty selfish at times and know how much work a child can be.

While we were in Hawaii this past July, Megan, Oliver and I fell asleep together almost every night, mid-sentence. Oliver wouldn’t wake up sprawled across me and it made me feel so special; like he chose to make me part of his special club. Now he asks me to pick him up and play with him. Him and I have our own little game. And to see the way Megan has adapted to being a mom, has really made me want kids. There’s something so beautiful and special about it.

I just feel so happy. Happiest I’ve been in a very long time.

First off, let me just say that there is something so inexplicably attractive about Conan. I don’t know what it is, but I would marry him in an instant. Him and also Brendan Hines:

On a different note, all of my interviews went super well. I submitted references for a job, which I believe should mean I will get it. I am excited about it because it would come with some sweet employee discounts and would also help me with TipsyWhisk! awesome.

Also, I am a bit anxious because Saturday is the Santa Monica Christmas Run! Me and Amanda still need to make our elf costumes, but I am so excited. I also got Ox a new leash, so we’ve been going on lots of walks. More good news, I am speaking with the M&A lady tomorrow, so maybe more job offers are in the works.

Finally, finally, finally. The only other thing that is going to be great is holiday baking, which I will be posting lots of pictures! I can already taste the snickerdoodles, gingerbread cookies, peppermint meringues and chocolate chip cookies.

**edit**

I have to add to this. I feel so accomplished. After losing a whole chapter of the book I’m writing, I rewrote it, went to the gym, went to interviews AND cooked a superb dinner. I’m telling you – boys of the world – you are missing out on the food that I make. Oh well, more for me! Don’t believe me? See for yourself and check on my cooking blog.